Archive for advice

bad habits in love! yes girls, we have them too…

Posted in lifestyle, relationship, sex with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2010 by jentonelli

Flipping through the April 2010 issue of Glamour on my flight home from the Bahamas, I was shocked and pleased to find an article with such conviction. “What’s Destroying Your Love Life? Oh…Could it Be You?” is brilliant. The article points out how quick we are to blame men for our failing relationship, lifelong loneliness and constant agony, when in reality, ladies, we are just as flawed and the last people to admit it. Often, it is hard for a best friend to tell you what you are doing wrong in your relationship, for fear of hurting your feelings. It is hard to hear it from your man, because well, he’s hardly ever right. And forget about asking your mother, she’s either cut her losses long ago and just agrees with you all the time, or she criticizes you so often you don’t bother listening anymore. But, a magazine, that you trust and love, that you don’t feel personally judged by, like a secret pen pal, or wise old woman, is a great alternative for advice. A magazine can indirectly point out your flaws and mask it with the idea that thousands of girls are reading it, which keeps you from getting offended!

Listen to a few of these common mistakes that Glamour discusses and a ton of chicks are probably guilty of, but check out the issue for the full article:

1. Do you take the fun out of it? How often are you saying ‘no’ when your guy is trying new things? Choosing to stay in and make him stay in too, for fear of what could happen if you leave the comfort of the couch? Rolling over and falling asleep as soon as you hit the pillow? Think about how things were when you started dating. If there has been a significant change in your fun habits, reevaluate and loosen up.

2. Do you over-rely on technology? The magazine makes a great point in discussing the ways in which girls are constantly on facebook, their blackberries and texting. When you are with your guy, put down the laptop, silence your phone, make eye contact and work on the relationship that is in front of you rather than the one across the Internet. I’m sure you would expect that from him, right? Also, nix the bad habit of the lonely text, just because you went home alone tonight, or your friends are out on dates, or you’ve had one too many espresso martinis, that is no reason to text that old, dead-end, flame… he’ll still suck in the morning, and you’ll feel that old regret.

3. Do you pick unavailable guys? Unavailable is a multifaceted term. This doesn’t just apply to the man with a girlfriend, but also, the emotionally unavailable guy who is constantly blowing you off, or telling you he doesn’t want anything serious, even after years of sex, dates and family visits. A rule of thumb, you shouldn’t be coming up short in a relationship. If he is content and you are miserable, chances are you’re losing a lot more than you’re gaining.

4. Do you get off on drama? Ahh, so true, so true. The magazine highlights something key to a relationship: communication. But think of this, when was the last time your man threw a fit, cried, hung up on you, and screamed about four different things at once?? Hopefully, it wasn’t recently. The truth is, a downside to us women being so in tuned to our emotions, is that we often lose control of them just as quickly as we show them. Sometimes, it feels great to scream, because we feel powerful and passionate. We start fights just to get any attention at all, or just for the make up. We bring up things that are completely unrelated because we ran out of recent topics but still have enough fuel to last us till next weekend. Basically, this habit will only get you as far as that last scream and it is definitely one to learn to let go of. There are plenty of other ways you should find passion and power in your relationship!

should we give up things we love?

Posted in health, lifestyle, love, relationship with tags , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2010 by jentonelli

Lent. Lent. Lent. What are you? I’m not even Catholic, but for years I have seen my friends get ashes on Wednesday and promise to give up that one thing that has become a bad habit or obsession. A friend gave up dairy… my boyfriend gave up swearing but I will tell you he has been unfuckingsuccessful… and another friend promised to give up TWO things which I thought was a little much: sugar and her ex. I can tell you she has refused the four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies that sit up on my bureau, but the EX factor- not so much. And I’ll tell you exactly why, because she is no where near ready to give him up and today, I decided, that’s ok.

Sometimes, we find something or someone and they latch on like a leach. They begin to consume us. They break us down to our very worst selves. The trick is, these people also maintain the ability to make us feel like no other. Well, fuck. How the hell am I supposed to give up something that makes me feel better than anyone else can. Sure that person may never grow up, stop dicking around or pulling the same bull shit, but really, when he’s good, he’s better than everything. I hear that, and don’t deny it,  you hear that too.

I have been on the anti-ex side of this battle for a few years, I have bit my tongue and I have bitched the same argument against him, but today, and maybe only today, I say, unless you are entirely willing to give something up, save those attempts, because the harder you try the further you’ll fall back into it. I say, rather than quitting cold turkey, let go slowly, because unless YOU believe in the decision, YOU will keep going back to it. I know each time he hurts her, my friend is right on board with the rest of us, “he’s a dick, I need to let go, he is mentally mind fucking me” but then there are those great weekends, those times he says he loves her, and she says, “I just need to relax, I need to change for him”. And I know exactly at that moment that she has been sucked back in.

I have no idea how long it will go on until he either grows up or she gives up, but today I pray she is happy because really that matters more than anything.

And for the rest of us, try giving up something you believe in. For me, for some reason, it was coffee, it has been successful thus far, I have been drinking a cup of tea every time I want coffee. But I am not going to lie, my life has been falling apart slowly and I dream of coffee beans and espresso shots every night…